* enashtrin *

While focusing on the bald spot at the crown of my bartender’s head, I began reviewing my extensive knowledge on the subject of money, and after a brief mental wrestling match, I came up with three things that are absolutely true.1) Paper currency smells bad if you make the effort to check.2) Coins are a worthless nuisance now that you can stick a dollar bill in the vending machines.

3) Credit seems to be the true money in todays world, and its overuse has caused the stock market to tumble faster than George Bush’ s approval ratings.

These are my three absolutes, not counting the vodka in my drink.

The best place to get additional information about money would be my bank, which just happens to be across the street from this bar. The police here in Tucson have an interesting technique that they fondly call cuff and stuff. It makes a catchy phrase, but is extremely uncomfortable when applied. For this reason, I remain glued to my bar stool.

Personally, my only concern about money is restricted to making sure I can afford the apple butter to cover my waffles. Dry waffles are the number one cause of choking deaths in men over fifty.

Another interesting statistic concerning money is the revelation that the number one cause of divorce in this country is financial problems. My marriage has never been in jeopardy, despite going through some tough financial times. In the early years of our marriage, Wanda and I slept on the floor and sustained ourselves on one meal a day.

Instead of causing us to separate, the financial struggles brought us closer together and made us stronger. Misery loves company. We have been married for 34 years, which is one year longer than Charlie Manson has been in prison.

Money can be used for good or evil, but contains neither of those qualities in and of itself. Money is inanimate, and stays where it’s put unless the fan is on. It takes people to bring out those characteristics.

Our currency is made up of a combination of linen and cotton, much like my shirt. My shirt is not good or evil, it is simply too tight.

Money can’t feed a child, but people can.

Money can’t buy happiness, but you can find it within you.

Money can’t solve your problems, but it will hire a hitman.

Some folks choose to hoard their money, and die with vast riches accumulated that can’t go with them.

Other people are generous beyond their means and die destitute, yet rich in a way most of us will never know.

If you were offered the choice of owning a 2008 Porsche 911 Turbo, or giving 124,000 hungry children one McChicken each, which would you choose?

Of course the easy answer is to say you would do both or neither, but this is my story and those are your only two choices. Which would be more rewarding to you? Don’ t forget the Porsche will do 0-60 in 3.7 seconds.

Money merely shines a light on the true nature within each individual that comes into contact with it. It is our own free will, and the desires of our heart that will determine what type of steward we will be.

Good? Evil? Or maybe just average.

As I write the final words of my discourse on a napkin, Julio serves me my sixth mojito. I slide him a twenty, and tell him to keep the change.

Now that was money well spent.

My novel Lyam’s Journal is published and available for sale 877-BUY-BOOK or online at bbotw.com

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